Refuse to Play the Game – Break the Cycle

You are not alone and you are not the only one who kicks themselves every time you find yourself in the same position. You start to question whether you are really making progress or maybe you’ve resigned yourself that this is just your lot in life. The same failures repeat. You can see it coming – you’ve become an expert in what is called ‘your bad habits’ – you already know how it’s going to end.

Cycles show up everywhere. In our daily lives; it shows up in our relationship; it affects our health and even our finances. Despite knowing what’s best and we often know what we need to change, every one of us know the frustration of somehow not being able to. Charles Duhigg, who built on B.F. Skinner’s theory that showed that behaviour is shaped by reinforcement, shows that behaviour runs on cues and follows the behavioural cycle: cue – routine – reward (Skinner, 1953). His book, The Power of Habit, really broadened my understanding on why we keep falling into the trap (2012). This book has been a constant on my bedside table for years as I am constantly able to refer to it in my endeavour to understand myself. Recently, James Clear’s Atomic habits soared to #1 New York Times Bestseller (2018) talking along the same lines. Humans are collectively tired of cycles and want desperately to do something about it. We are tired of discouragement.

Cycles and the patterns they run on continue their course because they are automatic and reinforced. We get a dopamine kick out of it and in the case of bad behaviour it’s usually followed by guilt. The cycle is ingrained into our lives and can go undisturbed unless we learn to break it. The cycle will never change until we stop responding to the cues and reframe the reward.

 How about we refuse to play the game? Skinner set up a little game for lab rats. He put them in a maze and put levers strategically all around. As the rats would run through the maze they would accidentally push on the lever. Every time that happened, food would get dispensed. It didn’t take long for the rats to figure out how to get the reward. The behaviour became automatic and ingrained. There were even instances recorded that even when the rat wasn’t hungry it would press the lever because it anticipated the reward. Just like the rat, our behaviour cycles keep repeating not because we need them but because we’ve learned to. The great news though, for us and the rats, the cycle could be broken. The experiment changed the rules stopping the food from being dispensed. The rats first got frustrated, tapping repeatedly, but soon lost interest once the reward was no longer there. You can do something. You’re not helpless.

We are taking charge of breaking cycles in our own lives. We are going to do it because we no longer want to live in fear or disappointment. Instead, we are going to recognise patterns; practice self-awareness and we are going to use our God-given weapon and choose differently.  The change won’t be easy but it’s not impossible. The discomfort you’ll experience is evidence of making the right choices. The key is the break the chain. Remember cue - routine – reward. Refuse to respond to the cue – pause and make a different choice or change the reward. I always explain it like this. For me, there’s nothing better than coming from a long workday of work, jumping into my pyjamas and propping myself in front of the TV to watch my favourite show. In essence nothing wrong with it. What I’ve noticed though is the frame of mind that puts me in. I don’t feel like cooking dinner, so we order in, working out isn’t even a thought – I’m already in my PJs. The thing is, I feel much better eating a simple home cooked meal and I love working out especially running. I figured out the pyjamas are the cue. Once they go on, the rest just follows – automatically. I then tried to change into workout clothes when I get home, and the response was completely different. I manage to get a workout in, and hubby and I work together to get dinner on the table. This reward far outweighed the other. I don’t always get it right and that’s ok. I understand that I am not helpless; I can take control. I can play a different game.

Think about it:

1.      What patterns keep repeating in your life?

2.      What is your usual response?

3.      What would happen if this time you simply didn’t respond the same way?

It doesn’t continue because it’s stronger than you. It continues because it’s familiar. But familiar doesn’t mean it’s the end—and it cannot be the excuse for never changing. You have the power and ability to break the cycle. No more over-explaining it to yourself. No more analysing it from a distance. Instead—interrupt it. Understanding why isn’t enough. Not participating in it is the answer. Not because it’s easy, but because you want more—and you deserve better.

Session 1 | Giving It Everything and More Coaching